


finding herself | rubik's cube

by stxvetony



Category: Gossip Girl
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-05
Updated: 2018-11-05
Packaged: 2019-08-19 12:29:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16534589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stxvetony/pseuds/stxvetony
Summary: in which serena van der woodsen and carter baizen find themselves in each other. and maybe they shouldn’t have worked but who’s to tell them otherwise? sure, carter baizen was one mystery of a person, but serena van der woodsen was an even bigger one. and maybe that was why they worked so well together.





	finding herself | rubik's cube

_the world is too heavy_   
_too big for my shoulders_   
_come take this weight off me now_

She sees him one day on the street when she’s feeling lost. She’s traveling the world, away from the city that could never seem to keep her. The city that somehow always made her feel trapped in inexplainable ways.

So she’s sitting here in the middle of some small town in Europe, trying to somehow find herself. She doesn’t seem to know who she is, and can’t find that out by sitting in the upper east side back in Manhattan.

Her friends are drifting farther and farther away, busy with their own lives and relationships. And after her relationship with Dan failed for the millionth time, Serena ran away like usual, like the coward everyone seemed to think she was.

Walking out of the bar, wobbling slightly in her heels, Serena swayed back to her apartment. It was a tiny little thing, truly opposite to the extravagance of the wealth she resided in New York City.

She bumps straight into someone on the sidewalk.

“I’m so sorry!” She gasps, looking up from the sidewalk where she laid sprawled on the ground.

“You can bump into me anytime.” The voice spoke. The same voice that haunted Serena to this very day, that smooth, deep, tilting lit who always knocked the breath out of her back when she was such a young girl just out of Constance.

Looking up, it was the same half smirk that sat on his face, the same smolder, the same face that trapped her in twice, before she had finally let go of him that one fateful day.

“Carter.” She breathed in disbelief, the only person from her past that she had crossed paths within a year.

“Shall we catch up back at your apartment?” He suggested.

Serena shouldn’t let herself fall back into those very pits again, but couldn’t stop herself from breathing, “Yes.”

 

They tumble back into her eccentric apartment, falling back on the mountains of assorted pillows that lie around it. Clothes fly everywhere, because that is the way that the two of them have always been.

Neither were particularly good at communication. It was so much easier to simply fall back in the familiar way of their relationship, in the way Carter new every inch of her body and vice versa.

They let the physical things take over before they are forced to confront actual reality. And when everything was over, they laid together, hand in hand together, looking at the tapestry which laid up on the wall.

And Serena strangely felt at peace for the first time in a long time. Carter doesn’t push her to talk about anything, about why she is in the middle of Europe when she should be living her best life in New York, and for that, she is endlessly grateful.

Perhaps that was why she always felt her herself falling back to Carter. They didn’t know each other’s stories, and all the people back in New York had interacted and knew Serena for so much longer than Carter. But it didn’t seem to matter here, when they were lying in the middle of a small town, surrounded mismatched colors.

She couldn’t seem to lie to Carter. Whenever she was with him, even now, she found herself stripped bear of expectation that had been piled up on her since the very day she was born into the world.

Perhaps that was why she always felt drawn to Carter, but also why they could never seem to last. It was scary to feel her walls tumbling down when she was around him, in the way she could be honest, be the Serena she couldn’t afford to be around anyone else in her life.

 

_1000's of answers_   
_to one simple question_   
_come take this weight off me now_

 

When Serena wakes up she is aware of everything all at once. Carter is sleeping besides her, his arms hugging her from behind. She can’t remember much of the night before, simply the dangerous exhilaration she had always felt around him, but also the quiet safety only he seemed to be able to provide.

When she turns around Carter is staring back at her sleepy eyes, smiling softly at the girl, not quite a woman yet, she was. “Hey.” He smiles.

They don’t come out of the apartment for two weeks, staying there in their own little sanctuary. They have much to catch up on after all, although neither truly speak much.

And when everything is quiet once more, Serena turns to Carter. “Hey.” She says as he pulls her in closer to his chest. “Do you want to come explore somewhere else exotic with me?”

Carter smirks. “Anything with you beautiful.”

And so, hand in hand, the two take off from that small suite in the middle of Europe. They take off to face the world, hand in hand, together as they board the plane.

They find themselves in Sydney. Serena throws away her belongings from New York. It would be the last reminder of the life she had left behind some years ago.

She deletes all her contacts except for Carter. She supposes his name would be her only link to that life she had left behind.

In Sydney, they find a way to live, to feel free for once. Stripped of everything from once before, even form everything in that small place in Europe, Serena finds comfort in the air against her face as she runs down the sidewalks. She finds comfort in Carter’s hand in hers, in his deep laugh as he runs after her.

They explore. There is endless places here, from cafes, to bars, to museums. And here, time seems to stop for a while.

And when they finally lie down for the night, she falls asleeps looking at stars holding Carter’s hand. It’s funny. The stars are the same ones she saw in New York, the same she saw in Europe, but they seem more beautiful, more peaceful here with Carter.

The two of them never talk about what happened from before. They don’t ask each other, and for that Serena is grateful. They find the way their bodies slip together seamlessly. They don’t stay in Sydney though. They don’t ever stay in one place for more than a month after all.

“You’re a beautiful enigma.” Carter spoke looking at her with amusement. They are in Brazil of all places, as they lie together, their bodies pressed together on the mattress like they always seem to be.

 

They go everywhere, sometimes in planes, and sometimes in convertibles they buy just for the fun of it. And it is running around with Carter without a care in the world that Serena finally forgets herself. Instead, she just lets herself live.

She forgets about the parties, about the endless dresses and facades put up for everyone. Instead she lets herself just exist, to feel the wind whipping through her hair, to smell the salty air of the sea, to feel the exhilaration of exploring.  
The two of them go from countryside to cities to small towns and Serena thinks she is finally happy. It’s a strange feeling, happiness. She’s not sure she will ever feel it again, and so she basks in its glow, forgetting everything in the past.

Her and Carter talk constantly along the roads when she is sitting in the passenger seat smiling at the sun. They don’t talk about things that transpired before, or anything potentially triggering of memories each would like to keep hidden, but talk about anything that doesn’t matter.

They spend the time getting to know each other without all the backstories. It’s refreshing, to start over anew with someone. She doesn’t have to live up to the image of herself anymore, instead they can simply talk about everything.

The two of them talk about hobbies, learn random facts about each other that no one else really knows about them. They pretend they could have a fantastical future together, spend it living in castles, traveling everywhere, only having the company of each other.

Serena thinks, she knows that they would probably never last. But still, it was nice to think, even just for now, that the two of them could somehow simply stay around the world together, doing this forever.

 

_lost in the playground_   
_late night nostalgia_   
_open the sky for me now_

 

The two of them are in Switzerland when Serena finds herself telling Carter everything. She talk about everything that she had kept locked away all this time, from Blair, to her doomed relationship with Dan, about how she found herself resenting everything about New York.

And the best thing about Carter is that he just listens. And when she is done later, drained of all energy, he simply sweeps her up into his arms in their bed, in the silent reminder that only Carter can seem to manage.

It’s seems funny that neither of them have ever decided to put a label on what they seem to be. The thing between them is so much more than whatever can be explained in singular words, boyfriend and girlfriend. They are so much more than simply dating each other.

 

Some years later, Serena finds herself stepping foot into New York City together. This time however, she doesn’t feel so alone with Carter’s hand entwined with hers. They set foot out of Grand Central, finding themselves, once more into the bustle of the city, with the commuters rushing past, the traffic and honking.

It was as if she had never left. But Serena knew she had changed so much since she left the city so long ago, when she was barely entering into adulthood. She left the city a young girl, unsure and lost, afraid of what the world could offer.

And when Serena turned to look at Carter, who was looking down at her with an expression she couldn’t quite place, she knew she had found her home in him.

 

They find themselves wandering through Central Park, and it is here where Serena is hit full blast with the force of what only the past could seem to bring. The two of them bump into Blair and Chuck who are walking, rings on both of their fingers.

It would seem as if the two were married, and Serena inwardly smiled sadly. She was happy they seemed to be doing fine, but it was further proof that she simply wasn’t needed in New York.

The four of them sit together and talk for some time, but even though the two groups remained civil to each other, Serena can sense the hostility riding off Blair in waves. She used to be her best friend after all.

“I don’t understand why you always leave. And I don’t understand why you’re always with him out of all people. I don’t understand why you could never be normal, why you could never simply just stay here in New York City.” Blair’s word sounds accusing, but she sounds on the verge of crying.

Serena smiled sadly. “I don’t quite understand either B. All I know is that I’m happy for once in my life.”

 

Serena finds what happens to everyone as she’s sitting in a small cafe on the Lower East Side. It would seem as if everyone had moved on, and she was endlessly happy for everyone.

But she can’t find it in herself to stay in the city. The city was suffocating her, and she found it harder and harder to breathe every day as the walls closed in.

So she finds Carter, with all his smirks, his twinkling eyes, and hand in hand they walk out of New York City once more.

It would be the last time they would set foot in the place.

Serena isn’t quite sure what was waiting for her in the world, but standing there, posed to get on an airplane with Carter’s hand in hers, she felt content.

  
“You ready?” Carter smiled down at her.

“Always.”

Serena had finally found herself in one Carter Baizen.

_this is my rubik's cube_   
_i know i will figure it out_


End file.
